01-27-2016, 05:02 AM
"...and Ronnie said, 'be my little baby.'" The girl knows how to walk.
Don't have the slightest idea about what the writer is trying to do here. Possibly scared by a "period" when a wee lad as they seem anathema now.
"She kept five steps ahead
on a trail on a hurried morning hike" (on and on)
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She kept five steps ahead on a trail on a hurried morning hike. The dam swallowed silence while the blue-blond mannequin wished she was anywhere else. We came together last night.
The level of ambiguity id about 100%. Is the reader to suppose this is the story of the speaker and a blue-blond mannequin and the mannequin is the she in the rest of the story. Is the reader suppose to assume for no cause whatsoever that the mannequin is other than a mannequin?
It is the same with everything else in the story. Either it is gibberish, or the writer assume the reader will make a leap of faith and assume that all these things described are actually other things so that this somehow makes sense.
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"We came together last night
Two ends of a diode"
A diode has only one end, so to speak, the end that the two wires come out of, such an image does not speak to a couple as all that happens is the electricity goes in one wire and comes out the other. One could say,
We were a diode, glowing blue as electricity flowed through us. At least that would make some kind of sense.
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OK, I'll stop there as this is in "mild".
I would surmise that what is happening is what often or nearly always happens to new writers. They assume the reader knows more than he actually does and leaves out vital information...along with periods
Best,
dale
Don't have the slightest idea about what the writer is trying to do here. Possibly scared by a "period" when a wee lad as they seem anathema now.
"She kept five steps ahead
on a trail on a hurried morning hike" (on and on)
_________________________________________________________
She kept five steps ahead on a trail on a hurried morning hike. The dam swallowed silence while the blue-blond mannequin wished she was anywhere else. We came together last night.
The level of ambiguity id about 100%. Is the reader to suppose this is the story of the speaker and a blue-blond mannequin and the mannequin is the she in the rest of the story. Is the reader suppose to assume for no cause whatsoever that the mannequin is other than a mannequin?
It is the same with everything else in the story. Either it is gibberish, or the writer assume the reader will make a leap of faith and assume that all these things described are actually other things so that this somehow makes sense.
_________________________________________________________________________
"We came together last night
Two ends of a diode"
A diode has only one end, so to speak, the end that the two wires come out of, such an image does not speak to a couple as all that happens is the electricity goes in one wire and comes out the other. One could say,
We were a diode, glowing blue as electricity flowed through us. At least that would make some kind of sense.
____________________________________________________________________________________________
OK, I'll stop there as this is in "mild".
I would surmise that what is happening is what often or nearly always happens to new writers. They assume the reader knows more than he actually does and leaves out vital information...along with periods
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.