In Glass

[Brujo]

aschueler,

Thanks very much for your insight!  I intend to edit with your suggestions in mind.  I agree that the repetition is kind of distracting and doesn't add much to the piece.

I did raise tropical fish for a time . I'm hesitant to replace 'spawn'; I like how it sounds.

The end of the first stanza is kind of choppy, something to experiment on.

I agree about the line you point out as cliched, I will definitely alter that.  As for the ending, I'm not quite happy with it, still pondering.

Best, 

,

Hi all!  This is my first thread!  I'd love some honest opinions, critiques, or suggestions on this!  Thanks! 


In Glass

Tetras fletched of cobalt and ruby
shoot through the water.  Very nice start 
A tribe of a hundred poisoned blow darts
curve into a bubbly helix.
An orchid blossoming then molting back,
They come and coalesce through the green
against their fragile plates of glass.
Flowing, swimming,
Swimming and flowing,  Whether just or not, the repetition here distracts me
through the same stones and green
they’ve seen since their spawn,  nitpicking here but didja really raise them?
tracing the same paths millions of times  cliched
as infinite as shore break.
As if quietly lullabied in the current,
tendril, waters of Amazonia,   Nice flow up until here, where you lost me. Maybe too many commas.
they follow their reflections.
 
Little souls in the sound of a rippling filter,
calm me to sleep this night. Hah!  Fish never helped me sleep
I've drifted into sameness
And yet soaked in my own complacency
I've followed, flowed,  distracted by repetition 
Flowed and followed,
Only to awaken and lie awake
in the same unsettled state.
With fingers grazing my damp window,  lost me again...whose grace?  Whose fingers?  What do you mean by stubborn?
I wonder in your stubborn grace.

Overall this was quite enjoyable, your choice of words was quite nice.  Some rough spots, but 
I like the end product.