01-25-2016, 04:40 AM
(01-22-2016, 01:34 PM)Skye Wrote: Don’t you THINK I know? -- I don't think the caps adds anything to the piece
How alone I’ve been?
How alone I am?
Even when you’re home?
Rocking on the bathroom floor
Back and forth back and forth
Manic laughter primal sobs -- I like the idea of this line, maybe try difference descriptions. As now, it sounds a bit cheesy.
I WATCHED myself lose it
Don’t you THINK I know?
How bad it is?
How far I’ve fallen?
Everything I’ve lost?
Grieving into the silence
Screaming myself numb
My toes were frozen on the tile --I like this stanza
I SAW my crazy eyes reflected --again not sure about the use of caps. I don't like the use "crazy eyes" maybe something like " I saw foreign eyes reflected"
Who the hell was there?
Whose arms wrapped tightly
Around my shoulder blades
In the dark at 3am?
A very chaotic piece, which is part of why this poem works. I can only imagine what the speaker has gone through. However, with its chaotic nature, I think a bit of meaning is lost. Maybe try to be a bit more descriptive or even add some more stanzas, but just enough not to reveal a full image. I think that's another pro of this poem is that we are left to wonder what happened to the speaker and come to our own conclusions.
-Nick