The Dandelion

[Bunx]

Hi Everyone! This is the first poem I have posted, and I would love to get some feedback. 


To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days,

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But you come at me with a battalion of spades,

What have I done to earn your rage?

Edit 1:

To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days, 

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But you come at me with your spade and rage,

What have I done to earn your hate?

Edit 2:

To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades. Not sure of"But" at the beginning of this, Maybe try "Though"

I’m here for just a few days, 

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake. Really enjoy this line. 

But still you consider me a bane, Don't think this line is necessary, I feel like it is more concise without it.  

What have I done to earn your hate? Strong 

Really enjoyed this poem, and the idea of personifying a plant that is not considered beautiful or wanted. I think you could use the same idea if you wanted to continue this theme in more pieces.

 I feel like you almost there with the flow of the poem and how it sounds, I feel like there is a musical quality about the piece like it could be spoken-word during a song. 

Also an idea that could help you break up the poem and idea in S4 would be the spit that line in two after the comma adding an extra pause. 

Thanks for the post!