The Dandelion

[rhoiyt]

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I'll specify what I'm trying to say so I can take feedback into context. I'm trying to say that the dandelion knows that it is not as beautiful as Narcissus the flower, not Narcissus the Greek figure. However, the dandelion still thinks it has beauty, even though people may find it ugly simply because it is a weed. The dandelion also thinks that it has not done anything wrong enough to make people rip it out of the ground. Specifically, it only lives a short life, and when it dies, it disperses its seeds, just like others flowers do. However, people are determined to de-weed it, and see it as a nuisance in their yards, so the dandelion doesn't understand what it has done to earn people's hate.

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I understand why the 'battalion of spades' imagery is not working.  I don't understand why L3-L4 are contradicting L5-L6, at least to me, they seem consistent. I would appreciate if you could expand on your input. I really appreciate your feedback.

There are two themes in this poem: the flower's emotions, and how the flower is perceived. These are not disjoint themes, one supplements the other. However, when there is a sudden shift within the same paragraph between these, it creates a break in the thematic flow in the poem. The reader wouldn't know which to reflect upon: the sadness of this individual Dandelion, or the unfortunate de-weeding of the Dandelions. I'll try my best to explain.

The original poem: L1-L4 are focussed heavily on the image of the flower, trying to evoke some pity or admiration. In L5, "you come at me" places a weak focus on the flower, and "battalion of spades" hijacks the line. The sudden shift in focus, now to an abstract subject (notice that the human involved just "comes", no other description is presented) with no image, is disruptive. The subject then becomes the battalion of spades, and that is not helpful. A more strong focus on the flower, with something like "tear me down", "behead me", "hack away at me", etc. might have helped, but "battalion" was too strong a word. L6 then becomes retrospective and not as effective as something of immediate consequence.

Edit 1, L5. With the (heavy) focus on an unseen subject removed, it now squarely lies on the flower. The reader does pause to consider the human involved in the interaction, but only from the second person perspective next to the flower. "spade and rage" describe the human's actions."Rage" is very effective as a verb, leaving it to the reader to imagine the extent of the atrocity committed on the poor, undeserving flower, simultaneously antagonising the human. "You come at me" is still as weak as before, but the focus is not stolen. L6 however, becomes far more effective with the image of the flower being murdered in the foreground (because L5 ended within an ongoing verb and not a noun).

Edit 2, L5 ends with "bane", a which is a strong word and shifts the focus to the second theme. It does conveys that "the dandelion is a weed" more effectively than Edit 1, but doesn't end as powerfully. "You consider me" is not as good as "you come at me", the latter being a visualisable action. There needs to be more strength in L5 if L6 is to have a greater impact.

The reason why I thought the lines were contradictory is because of this shift in focus and also because I was too invested in the flower's emotions to immediately back away, and then come back for L6. From what I understand, the focus is on the flower, its emotions and confusion. So it might help to have an L5 more aligned with that theme, or transition more smoothly from L4 into L6.

One other suggestion:
L3-L4 aren't as strong as the others, partly because of the redundant repeats ("just a few days", "only to wither away", "short wake"), and the length. Stronger words and emotions would help.

It'd be great if I can be of any help. 
Thanks, 
Rohit