The Dandelion

[mv5543]

Hi Everyone! This is the first poem I have posted, and I would love to get some feedback. 


To the Narcissus I don’t compare,

But dare I say, there still is beauty in my golden shades.

I’m here for just a few days,

Only to wither away, leaving some kindred in my short wake.

But you come at me with a battalion of spades,

What have I done to earn your rage?

I appreciate everyone's feedback. I'll specify what I'm trying to say so I can take feedback into context. I'm trying to say that the dandelion knows that it is not as beautiful as Narcissus the flower, not Narcissus the Greek figure. However, the dandelion still thinks it has beauty, even though people may find it ugly simply because it is a weed. The dandelion also thinks that it has not done anything wrong enough to make people rip it out of the ground. Specifically, it only lives a short life, and when it dies, it disperses its seeds, just like others flowers do. However, people are determined to de-weed it, and see it as a nuisance in their yards, so the dandelion doesn't understand what it has done to earn people's hate.

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"battalion of spades" is not the phrase you should be going for. It's very distracting, makes me try to imagine a marching garden tool kit, and that's not helpful if you're trying to express the flower's pain. You need to focus on the flower's emotions if L6 is to have any impact. L3-L4 are contradictory to what you're saying in L5-L6, especially because there isn't enough nuance. The "why kill me, I'm bound to die in a short while" theme is not that effective, in my opinion.
I like how the dandelion "can't compare" with the Narcissus, but goes on to do some self-flattery. Reminds me of an aged woman. But the "battalion" image screws that up.

I understand why the 'battalion of spades' imagery is not working.  I don't understand why L3-L4 are contradicting L5-L6, at least to me, they seem consistent. I would appreciate if you could expand on your input. I really appreciate your feedback.