01-20-2016, 04:19 PM
"battalion of spades" is not the phrase you should be going for. It's very distracting, makes me try to imagine a marching garden tool kit, and that's not helpful if you're trying to express the flower's pain. You need to focus on the flower's emotions if L6 is to have any impact. L3-L4 are contradictory to what you're saying in L5-L6, especially because there isn't enough nuance. The "why kill me, I'm bound to die in a short while" theme is not that effective, in my opinion.
I like how the dandelion "can't compare" with the Narcissus, but goes on to do some self-flattery. Reminds me of an aged woman. But the "battalion" image screws that up.
I like how the dandelion "can't compare" with the Narcissus, but goes on to do some self-flattery. Reminds me of an aged woman. But the "battalion" image screws that up.