01-20-2016, 07:50 AM
Thanks ella, I like your comment " it leaves an appropriate emptiness in its wake" that's poetry .
If I titled it with his name it would sort of invalidate L2. I thought of titling it MIA, but decided to leave it more generic.
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Thanks mercedes,
Why safe places are safe except from our memory. My Aunt used to say, "I know it's around here summers!" Of course she lived to be 103 years old and her mind was fairly sharp until the last seven or so. She and her husband homesteaded a plot in New Mexico territory, traveled there by way of covered wagon.
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Paul,
No, you have some good points. Some of the things you noted I could see removing, but I could also see just as easily leaving in. On the one hand it would be more streamlined and less forced, but on the other it would have less of the rhythmic quality I want, and would not set up the ending quite so well. I agree though, we are mainly in the realm of stylistic choice although I could easily argue your side of it. I would call "mind" and "time" an off-rhyme, but I like off-rhymes. A real off rhyme is at the end: "box" and "lost", the only thing that rhymes is the vowel, but I think if one is sensitive enough it can be felt. Regardless, it is there at an unconscious level. I'll not argue the point, as there is no way to, or no way I am willing to do so, but I'll just state for me it's a fact and you can call me a crazy old man who's lost his senses.
dale
If I titled it with his name it would sort of invalidate L2. I thought of titling it MIA, but decided to leave it more generic.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Thanks mercedes,
Why safe places are safe except from our memory. My Aunt used to say, "I know it's around here summers!" Of course she lived to be 103 years old and her mind was fairly sharp until the last seven or so. She and her husband homesteaded a plot in New Mexico territory, traveled there by way of covered wagon.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Paul,
No, you have some good points. Some of the things you noted I could see removing, but I could also see just as easily leaving in. On the one hand it would be more streamlined and less forced, but on the other it would have less of the rhythmic quality I want, and would not set up the ending quite so well. I agree though, we are mainly in the realm of stylistic choice although I could easily argue your side of it. I would call "mind" and "time" an off-rhyme, but I like off-rhymes. A real off rhyme is at the end: "box" and "lost", the only thing that rhymes is the vowel, but I think if one is sensitive enough it can be felt. Regardless, it is there at an unconscious level. I'll not argue the point, as there is no way to, or no way I am willing to do so, but I'll just state for me it's a fact and you can call me a crazy old man who's lost his senses.
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.