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[ellajam]

Thanks for all the great advice, and Rhoiyt, I love that edit on the poem.

I'll consider the god thing, but the problem, as I see it, is the 2nd stanza takes away from the 1st stanza, by giving the poem a more focused direction. The 1st stanza when on its own is a universal statement about pride, but with the 2nd stanza then the whole poem is about God (as God always steals the spotlight). A poem about God will speak to a lot of people, but using religion can also lock some people out. However a poem about pride alone is a universal message that will speak to nearly everyone.

A poem about pride will speak to most if it somehow makes us feel the pride, and then the good and/or bad aspects of it. Just telling us is not enough. That's why I feel your edit is weak, it's just not enough for me.