01-12-2016, 10:09 PM
On the surface this is a poem describing a group of rather rough characters who seem to be playing in the recreation area of a prison.
I suppose “a faucet drips” is an expression to give the impression of time slowly passing. Unless we are to imagine men in a cloakroom or other place where there would be taps then I suggest a better metaphor might be found. For example “a pendulum swings”.
Because there only seems to be the threat of violence perhaps “Puddles of blood” is a bit strong. Perhaps “Fear is felt” would be enough and more realistic?
Perhaps the word “refer” in stanza 5 might be exchanged for ”assume”.
Finally the ending seems to suggest that the poem is not about an outside situation, but suggests it is about you finding a reason to write. Was that your intention?
Overall, the poem creates a vivid and easily imagined scene and so is generally IMHO a well written piece. Perhaps a change of metaphor here and there and toning down “Puddles of blood” would improve matters?
I suppose “a faucet drips” is an expression to give the impression of time slowly passing. Unless we are to imagine men in a cloakroom or other place where there would be taps then I suggest a better metaphor might be found. For example “a pendulum swings”.
Because there only seems to be the threat of violence perhaps “Puddles of blood” is a bit strong. Perhaps “Fear is felt” would be enough and more realistic?
Perhaps the word “refer” in stanza 5 might be exchanged for ”assume”.
Finally the ending seems to suggest that the poem is not about an outside situation, but suggests it is about you finding a reason to write. Was that your intention?
Overall, the poem creates a vivid and easily imagined scene and so is generally IMHO a well written piece. Perhaps a change of metaphor here and there and toning down “Puddles of blood” would improve matters?