01-11-2016, 07:54 AM
Thanks to all for their comments! Think I'll go back to trying to learn free verse (though a decade of writing, perhaps eventually passable, haiku would surely aid that endeavor).
@billy -
Ah, yes, always hopeful. But[] you're right, that was my main fear, that there was too much human nature (tears, sleeves, bows). I should have been more concerned with excessive detail and metaphors.
@just mercedes -
Very lovely and spare, gets the idea across. Perhaps my rewrite can be only half as verbose as the original, and twice as verbose as yours.
@Jeremiahcp - All your confusions are justified, because they were mine in writing. Just now heard a woodpecker knocking outside on the corner of my workroom. Should I knock back? No - senryu! But I did anyway. Confusion!
Revision? Maybe. Distillation's hard (so's moonshine).
@billy -
Quote:i'll get but-fucked for this but i think it's more senryu.
Ah, yes, always hopeful. But[] you're right, that was my main fear, that there was too much human nature (tears, sleeves, bows). I should have been more concerned with excessive detail and metaphors.
@just mercedes -
Quote:willows, bowed
by lace sleeves ~
frozen river
Very lovely and spare, gets the idea across. Perhaps my rewrite can be only half as verbose as the original, and twice as verbose as yours.
@Jeremiahcp - All your confusions are justified, because they were mine in writing. Just now heard a woodpecker knocking outside on the corner of my workroom. Should I knock back? No - senryu! But I did anyway. Confusion!
Revision? Maybe. Distillation's hard (so's moonshine).
Non-practicing atheist