01-09-2016, 04:32 PM
Hey BeatEater, this is a pleasant surprise as it's not nearly as cliche-ridden as I was expecting from your claim 
Formatting will help you first up, maybe something like this:
He said fuck it! I’ll be my own father figure.
I’ll pour the Wheaties in my bowl
so I can raise myself a winner
and I’ll go to every game, and be the loudest one to shout,
when the ref treats me unfairly or the umpire says I’m out.
I hit a homer, tried to phone her,
left a message at the beep;
crying “Mama! Won’t you help me? I can’t seem to fall asleep!”
I think I need a diamond ring,
or at least a bullet. 'Cause that fucking bird won't sing.
Cock it, finger, trigger, pull it.
Except the bullet is for me. Bang! I'll be sleeping deep.
Who needs birds to sing me dreams? Who needs bling for inner peace?
Maybe me.
I never had a father to relieve bad dreams of living and tell me to just believe.
There are a couple of lines you could really do without, and the one that probably needs to go first is the last one. There's nothing gained by it and it's clumsy. Ending on "maybe me" will do just fine. Your first line might need a little attention -- I'd suggest rearranging to:"Fuck it!" he said, "I'll be my own father figure." Sets up a better rhythm and is stronger as an opening. Remember, your readers will pay the most attention to your first and last lines -- don't waste them.
I really like your use of the mockingbird song as pastiche. Always thought that song was a bit too creepy...
Welcome to poetry. You've got something if you work at it, and I hope you do. There's nothing at all wrong with rap, but of course there's more out there.
Formatting will help you first up, maybe something like this:
He said fuck it! I’ll be my own father figure.
I’ll pour the Wheaties in my bowl
so I can raise myself a winner
and I’ll go to every game, and be the loudest one to shout,
when the ref treats me unfairly or the umpire says I’m out.
I hit a homer, tried to phone her,
left a message at the beep;
crying “Mama! Won’t you help me? I can’t seem to fall asleep!”
I think I need a diamond ring,
or at least a bullet. 'Cause that fucking bird won't sing.
Cock it, finger, trigger, pull it.
Except the bullet is for me. Bang! I'll be sleeping deep.
Who needs birds to sing me dreams? Who needs bling for inner peace?
Maybe me.
I never had a father to relieve bad dreams of living and tell me to just believe.
There are a couple of lines you could really do without, and the one that probably needs to go first is the last one. There's nothing gained by it and it's clumsy. Ending on "maybe me" will do just fine. Your first line might need a little attention -- I'd suggest rearranging to:"Fuck it!" he said, "I'll be my own father figure." Sets up a better rhythm and is stronger as an opening. Remember, your readers will pay the most attention to your first and last lines -- don't waste them.
I really like your use of the mockingbird song as pastiche. Always thought that song was a bit too creepy...
Welcome to poetry. You've got something if you work at it, and I hope you do. There's nothing at all wrong with rap, but of course there's more out there.