01-08-2016, 04:50 PM
Not bad in general. My biggest issue with this poem (edited version) is that it's far too vague. To extract meaning from this is more like finding the greatest common denominators between several vague terms. The closest theme I can derive would be along the lines of internal conflicts, but I really don't see anything to suggest that it's such a conflict at all. Just some insanity and memory. In the future, I suggest avoiding the word insanity unless it is absolutely necessary (and it usually isn't). It's the sort of thing that has to be demonstrated (from my own reading, I suggest Emily Dickinson's "I Felt a Funeral In My Brain" as one example of how).
I'm also not sure I agree with some of the progression. It switches between the calm and the powerful, rather than following a logical progression (Line 1 - powerful; Line 11 - calm/weak; Line 16 - powerful; Final lines - calm/weak). I personally think it should go steadily from one to the other, rather than switching. It might be by design, but I would likely then start and finish the piece on the same tone.
I'm also not sure I agree with some of the progression. It switches between the calm and the powerful, rather than following a logical progression (Line 1 - powerful; Line 11 - calm/weak; Line 16 - powerful; Final lines - calm/weak). I personally think it should go steadily from one to the other, rather than switching. It might be by design, but I would likely then start and finish the piece on the same tone.