01-06-2016, 02:00 AM
Hmmm,
I think I can explain, should anyone care. I have seem similar pictures from during the American depression when hobos would use whatever was at hand to make a fishing rig in order to catch a meal. The bottle, although quite large (depending on the prey) would act as a bobber. If you follow the twine upwards it is attached to a pole and downwards to what looks like something metallic that could be serving as a hook. Of course like men, all bottles want to be well hung, and that seems to be the case with this one.
As this is in N-P-C I'll attempt brevity.
Here is an edit of the first stanza. I am not saying this is how it should be, I merely edit it this way to point out some possibly different options. I did leave out the "knot" pun altogether as it seemed somewhat out of place in this type of poem and more at home in a limerick or a doggerel. I know, I know. I have become far too attached to my own cleverness many times myself and oftentimes ruined an otherwise decent poem. The rest is about losing the immediacy of the image by over talking the image. As with most poetry words are at a premium (I should know as I am one of the most verbose poets around and usually need to trim 60% of the thing and then it is still twice too long). However, this poem starts out almost as an imagist poem, it reminds me very much of a H.D. poem about a pond (don't ask me the name, imagist were not favorites of mine, although I liked that one) and I think for the opening stanza that fits very well despite this is not an imagist or even a modernist poem. Please forgive me when I change word usage, I was trying to inject some rhythm into the the piece. Currently there is simply little to no rhythmical quality. As T. S. Elliot put it, referring to free verse "No verse is free." It doesn't need to be metered, but it does need to have some kind of underlying rhythm to it to be a poem, otherwise it is just prose maybe using some poetic troupes, with poetic lineation. There has to be a "beat", a pulse, or something that helps to energetically move the piece along.
Anyway, I've already overrun my promise to be brief and I covered just the first stanza/verse.
Just to let you know, there is nothing personal, this is how I have critiqued for years. I am not attempting to be mean or harsh, I try only to point out what seems problematic. Please feel free to disregard anything I have said, and to consider me a deranged lunatic. I use to have something to that effect in my signature line, but me reduced how much could be put there so the warning got dropped. Maybe I should have a talk with Leanne. Oh yeah, here's the edit.
"The bank above a rushing creek*
a serendipitous vision appeared.
A headless reed—arching—
since from its tip strangely tied
by weedy string dangled a bottle
left for dead
hung by the neck."
There was also a verb tense problem also I think.
The main problem is that breaking so that they more or less form a block do not a poem make.
*Personally I'd probably use "Walking by a rushing creek" as it creates a nice juxtaposition, but maybe it's a little to Longfellow, and I never have liked Longfellow
Best,
dale
I think I can explain, should anyone care. I have seem similar pictures from during the American depression when hobos would use whatever was at hand to make a fishing rig in order to catch a meal. The bottle, although quite large (depending on the prey) would act as a bobber. If you follow the twine upwards it is attached to a pole and downwards to what looks like something metallic that could be serving as a hook. Of course like men, all bottles want to be well hung, and that seems to be the case with this one.
As this is in N-P-C I'll attempt brevity.
Here is an edit of the first stanza. I am not saying this is how it should be, I merely edit it this way to point out some possibly different options. I did leave out the "knot" pun altogether as it seemed somewhat out of place in this type of poem and more at home in a limerick or a doggerel. I know, I know. I have become far too attached to my own cleverness many times myself and oftentimes ruined an otherwise decent poem. The rest is about losing the immediacy of the image by over talking the image. As with most poetry words are at a premium (I should know as I am one of the most verbose poets around and usually need to trim 60% of the thing and then it is still twice too long). However, this poem starts out almost as an imagist poem, it reminds me very much of a H.D. poem about a pond (don't ask me the name, imagist were not favorites of mine, although I liked that one) and I think for the opening stanza that fits very well despite this is not an imagist or even a modernist poem. Please forgive me when I change word usage, I was trying to inject some rhythm into the the piece. Currently there is simply little to no rhythmical quality. As T. S. Elliot put it, referring to free verse "No verse is free." It doesn't need to be metered, but it does need to have some kind of underlying rhythm to it to be a poem, otherwise it is just prose maybe using some poetic troupes, with poetic lineation. There has to be a "beat", a pulse, or something that helps to energetically move the piece along.
Anyway, I've already overrun my promise to be brief and I covered just the first stanza/verse.
Just to let you know, there is nothing personal, this is how I have critiqued for years. I am not attempting to be mean or harsh, I try only to point out what seems problematic. Please feel free to disregard anything I have said, and to consider me a deranged lunatic. I use to have something to that effect in my signature line, but me reduced how much could be put there so the warning got dropped. Maybe I should have a talk with Leanne. Oh yeah, here's the edit.
"The bank above a rushing creek*
a serendipitous vision appeared.
A headless reed—arching—
since from its tip strangely tied
by weedy string dangled a bottle
left for dead
hung by the neck."
There was also a verb tense problem also I think.
The main problem is that breaking so that they more or less form a block do not a poem make.
*Personally I'd probably use "Walking by a rushing creek" as it creates a nice juxtaposition, but maybe it's a little to Longfellow, and I never have liked Longfellow
Best,
dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.