01-05-2016, 08:46 PM
Enjoyed this one.
I am not bothered by Calcutta kisses / turmeric sky. Calcutta is clearly (to me) being used as a metonym.
On the other hand, I am on board with the confusion in S2 about what is doing and observing what. Regardless if it can be argued whether it technically works, if it is pulling people out of the poem to go "Hmmmm", you may want to consider making it a bit clearer.
Visually it would be a bit more balanced if you broke up S2; also, and this is a question of style/personal preference, but consider not capitalizing every line, but only where there is a new sentence or possibly a new stanza:
Little red shoes sat alone,
in empty hallways in England,
untouched by magic.
Shoes missing people,
in lonely rows,
watching washing on the line,
singing to the wind,
Trying to remember Calcutta kisses,
and hope in a turmeric sky.
Lastly, you should put the first line into the present tense:
Little red shoes sit alone,
In empty hallways in England,
Untouched by magic.
I am not bothered by Calcutta kisses / turmeric sky. Calcutta is clearly (to me) being used as a metonym.
On the other hand, I am on board with the confusion in S2 about what is doing and observing what. Regardless if it can be argued whether it technically works, if it is pulling people out of the poem to go "Hmmmm", you may want to consider making it a bit clearer.
Visually it would be a bit more balanced if you broke up S2; also, and this is a question of style/personal preference, but consider not capitalizing every line, but only where there is a new sentence or possibly a new stanza:
Little red shoes sat alone,
in empty hallways in England,
untouched by magic.
Shoes missing people,
in lonely rows,
watching washing on the line,
singing to the wind,
Trying to remember Calcutta kisses,
and hope in a turmeric sky.
Lastly, you should put the first line into the present tense:
Little red shoes sit alone,
In empty hallways in England,
Untouched by magic.