01-05-2016, 11:38 AM
"Calcutta kisses" and "turmeric sky" do the poem in, for me.
There's no such thing as a Calcutta kiss, any more than there is a Caracas kiss or a Tristan da Cunha kiss. The qualifier 'Calcutta' just remains a word.
And shoes don't try to remember kisses, maybe roads, maybe the red soil of home, maybe the wet earth of the monsoons....but not kisses.
Personification works with some sort of a link back to the original, if you know what I mean.
A sky can be many things, but never turmeric. Turmeric is an intense yellow / orange. The sun can be turmeric, never the sky.
I would instead, write something like 'trying to remember the rained out path/ the red clay village road' or the like.
(the red clay road being an allusion to a popular Tagore song)
otherwise, nice pome.
There's no such thing as a Calcutta kiss, any more than there is a Caracas kiss or a Tristan da Cunha kiss. The qualifier 'Calcutta' just remains a word.
And shoes don't try to remember kisses, maybe roads, maybe the red soil of home, maybe the wet earth of the monsoons....but not kisses.
Personification works with some sort of a link back to the original, if you know what I mean.
A sky can be many things, but never turmeric. Turmeric is an intense yellow / orange. The sun can be turmeric, never the sky.
I would instead, write something like 'trying to remember the rained out path/ the red clay village road' or the like.
(the red clay road being an allusion to a popular Tagore song)
otherwise, nice pome.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe