First post.

[REW]

I am wondering if my criticism that I added previously was overly harsh. I am new to the site and this is in the novice section. I looked again at your poem today. My previous remarks still stand as things to consider, but I wanted to add that your revision that you have done is cute.

I also wanted to suggest starting a new piece rather than reworking something old because it is more of a reflection of what you are about now and your skill set. That is just a suggestion.