01-03-2016, 01:13 PM
Many thanks, now, to @ronsaik and @mlund for their further, valuable critiques. Edit 2, responding to them, is below and added to the initial post of this thread.
@mlund - I think I see what you're getting at. For example, in L4 I read "who dies or procreates" as ./././ - three iambs. I believe you may be giving it a natural reading, ././.. with two less-stressed syllables ending "procreates," giving the line a weak conclusion. This is my problem, not yours: I tend to adopt a singsong, "Reading Poetry" manner when reading aloud (or just with lips moving) which negates metric substitutions either good or (as you note in this case) bad. I have not changed this or either of the other llines you critiqued, but recognize the problem and will try to come up with fixes for them - word choice, or word order.
@ronsaik - I've made changes to address your objections, which have helped a lot IMHO. For example, the lines dealing with taxes and stuck-in-the-neighborhood were not only hard to interpret, they were simply unnecessary, and I've cut them completely. Thanks!
[Aside - the one about rent is a personal peeve a la Bastiat: when you own a house, you see the property taxes on your bill; when you rent, you don't see the taxes because the landlord pays them... but they come out of your rent just the same, unless you're under rent control. Then, those taxes come out in non-monetary form - deferred maintenance, for example. Bastiat's distinction between what is seen - the tax - and what is not - the increased rent or reduced amenitieis - is important, but it was a hobby-horse too far for this poem!]
I've also made another stab at ending the third stanza to some purpose, which included adjustments elsewhere to match and paralelism with the end of the previous stanza. Endings of the other stanzas, which critics here have generally approved, were retained.
Edit2
We shape our buildings, and thereafter they shape us. - Winston Churchill, 1944
A home is not a trap, a house may be:
The home may form, break - all depends upon
Each person who arrives, abides, departs,
Who loves or hates, who dies or procreates.
Each one shapes home-life - but the house endures.
The single man who buys a house invests -
Depreciation’s his alone to bear;
Appreciation swells his sole net worth.
But if he never marries, fails to form
A family, his house fills with the dust
Of years, possessions, everything but trust
In others. He’s shaped by its walls, constrained;
His house is comfortable, so is he.
But should he, childless, try to break its chains,
Each book, each chair and etching forms a link
That binds him, owned by all the things he’s bought.
As sad or sadder is the fate of those
Whose family disintegrates but leaves
Their house of many years, once home, a prize
To be fought over. All its joy escapes
Like baby’s breath; too soon there’s nothing left
But walls and cellars, plumbing, attic, floors
Its former residents each claim to own.
We shape our houses, Churchill said, but then
They mold us. If the cast is too exact,
Too hard, we cannot leave until we melt -
For we’re no longer shaped to pass their doors.
@mlund - I think I see what you're getting at. For example, in L4 I read "who dies or procreates" as ./././ - three iambs. I believe you may be giving it a natural reading, ././.. with two less-stressed syllables ending "procreates," giving the line a weak conclusion. This is my problem, not yours: I tend to adopt a singsong, "Reading Poetry" manner when reading aloud (or just with lips moving) which negates metric substitutions either good or (as you note in this case) bad. I have not changed this or either of the other llines you critiqued, but recognize the problem and will try to come up with fixes for them - word choice, or word order.
@ronsaik - I've made changes to address your objections, which have helped a lot IMHO. For example, the lines dealing with taxes and stuck-in-the-neighborhood were not only hard to interpret, they were simply unnecessary, and I've cut them completely. Thanks!
[Aside - the one about rent is a personal peeve a la Bastiat: when you own a house, you see the property taxes on your bill; when you rent, you don't see the taxes because the landlord pays them... but they come out of your rent just the same, unless you're under rent control. Then, those taxes come out in non-monetary form - deferred maintenance, for example. Bastiat's distinction between what is seen - the tax - and what is not - the increased rent or reduced amenitieis - is important, but it was a hobby-horse too far for this poem!]
I've also made another stab at ending the third stanza to some purpose, which included adjustments elsewhere to match and paralelism with the end of the previous stanza. Endings of the other stanzas, which critics here have generally approved, were retained.
Edit2
We shape our buildings, and thereafter they shape us. - Winston Churchill, 1944
A home is not a trap, a house may be:
The home may form, break - all depends upon
Each person who arrives, abides, departs,
Who loves or hates, who dies or procreates.
Each one shapes home-life - but the house endures.
The single man who buys a house invests -
Depreciation’s his alone to bear;
Appreciation swells his sole net worth.
But if he never marries, fails to form
A family, his house fills with the dust
Of years, possessions, everything but trust
In others. He’s shaped by its walls, constrained;
His house is comfortable, so is he.
But should he, childless, try to break its chains,
Each book, each chair and etching forms a link
That binds him, owned by all the things he’s bought.
As sad or sadder is the fate of those
Whose family disintegrates but leaves
Their house of many years, once home, a prize
To be fought over. All its joy escapes
Like baby’s breath; too soon there’s nothing left
But walls and cellars, plumbing, attic, floors
Its former residents each claim to own.
We shape our houses, Churchill said, but then
They mold us. If the cast is too exact,
Too hard, we cannot leave until we melt -
For we’re no longer shaped to pass their doors.
Non-practicing atheist