Stark Contrast (was Stark) rev #4.
#15
For now I assume that the poem in the original post is now obsolete with this revision? In any case, I will just give my thoughts on this as it is more recent:

(12-27-2015, 10:33 PM)aschueler Wrote:  [Okay, here is revision #2.  I plan to add back the spring at the end eventually]

The air is still, silent, rising,
heated by the afternoon sun directed
so it yields no shadow.  The parking
lot extends starkly beyond

How can the air be both still and rising? Doesn't rising imply movement? Not that contradictory images are necessarily a bad thing, mind you, but it doesn't feel like it fits with the rest of your poem to introduce these competing ideas in the first line. Also, I think the rhythmic structure of your first stanza is a bit odd:
STILL, SI-lent, RI-sing, HEA-ted by the AF-
That is, the first line has a faster feel to it, which makes the sudden slowdown introduced in the second line feel out of place. 
Also, while different people's mileage may vary on this, I think it's better to try and avoid adverbs (like "starkly" here). Obviously there are situations where they can work well, but as a general rule of thumb you should try and avoid using them as a crutch (this is pretty common advice in writing workshops, by the way, not just a weird personal opinion of mine). 

A sad boy who sits, neck bent,  drops of sweat
impotent against the heat
fall near the dead dried hollow stick
of a worm stuck by its dessicated mucous.

The first line is great. I'm not sure impotent works here, though. Why would the drops of sweat be impotent against the heat?
I also like "the dead dried hollow stick / of a worm" bit, that sounds good. 
However, you spelled "desiccated" wrong. Further, desiccated really just means "dried," and you already described the word as dried in the previous line, so do you really need desiccated at all?

Rare wind slides sand and toasted
pine needles in the empty black paved lot;  
bright sun lights everything to an afterimage of itself,
bleached yet glowing.

I like this stanza. I MIGHT consider changing the word "toasted", or moving the word pine up on to that line to give it a more natural rhythm, but I think this stanza is overall very well crafted. 

He knows he has forever lost or forgotten
some innate essential piece of being.
Sounds ceases, wind dies
Nothing happens.

Again, I think this stanza is well-crafted. No specific complaints about it. I'm not personally 100% sure how it connects to the previous three on my first reading, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. It is a bit of a haunting ending. 
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Messages In This Thread
Stark Contrast (was Stark) rev #4. - by aschueler - 12-07-2015, 03:38 AM
RE: Stark - by Achebe - 12-07-2015, 06:03 AM
RE: Stark - by aschueler - 12-07-2015, 09:49 AM
RE: Stark - by Weeded - 12-17-2015, 06:53 PM
RE: Stark - by aschueler - 12-17-2015, 09:47 PM
RE: Stark - by QDeathstar - 12-17-2015, 10:18 PM
RE: Stark - by Weeded - 12-17-2015, 10:39 PM
RE: Stark - by ellajam - 12-17-2015, 11:47 PM
RE: Stark - by aschueler - 12-18-2015, 03:05 AM
RE: Stark - by Weeded - 12-18-2015, 11:38 AM
RE: Stark - by aschueler - 12-27-2015, 10:33 PM
RE: Stark - by Apache - 12-30-2015, 01:25 PM
RE: Stark - by QDeathstar - 12-28-2015, 12:21 AM
RE: Stark (edit #1) - by aschueler - 12-28-2015, 06:28 AM
RE: Stark (edit #1) - by QDeathstar - 12-28-2015, 12:10 PM
RE: Stark (edit #1) - by REW - 12-31-2015, 03:04 AM
RE: Stark (edit #1) - by aschueler - 12-31-2015, 08:12 AM



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