Learning
#6
(12-20-2015, 10:37 AM)TSlate Wrote:  A volume beckoned me to pry
its body open. I obliged,
and secrets slipped inside. My mind
devoured every pulsing line,
and brilliance sparked where words aligned.
Complete, I matched each gap to spine.
Not knowing where my friend belonged,
I laid it maybe somewhere wrong,
then gathered up my borrowed fund,
absconding soon as I was done.
Interesting blank verse (iambic pentameter), with some rhymes, near-rhymes, and alliteration.  I get the narrative of the romp with the book, and like it - even picture the bookcase's little pull-out shelf on which the inviting volume is devoured.

I'm a little confused by the sentence spanning L2-3, "...and secrets slipped inside."  Is the viewpoint character slipping something (secrets) into the volume?  A note?  Certainly not - the information transfer is from the volume, right?

Another thing that jarred me a bit was use of the neuter "it" in L8 ("I laid it...") when you've just referred to the volume as your friend in the previous line.  If this is an intentional shift from personalized to depersonalized (foreshadowing "absconding"), great.. otherwise, "friend" may be too close a relationship since you've just performed a sort of wham-bam-thank-you-book.

You have an excellent grasp of meter.  A direction to expand your skills might be word choice (expand your woirking vocabulary, which also facilitates rhyming if you wish it).
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Messages In This Thread
Learning - by TSlate - 12-20-2015, 10:37 AM
RE: Learning - by Achebe - 12-20-2015, 11:23 AM
RE: Learning - by TSlate - 12-21-2015, 10:47 AM
RE: Learning - by aschueler - 12-23-2015, 09:00 AM
RE: Learning - by Cpx - 12-23-2015, 10:00 AM
RE: Learning - by dukealien - 12-24-2015, 07:55 AM
RE: Learning - by Jeremiahcp - 12-26-2015, 11:55 PM
RE: Learning - by Shrewbe - 04-17-2016, 08:07 PM
RE: Learning - by Seanharvey - 04-19-2016, 04:59 PM
RE: Learning - by Erthona - 04-20-2016, 03:12 AM
RE: Learning - by Taboosun - 05-10-2016, 12:30 PM



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