Day and Night

[Badatpoetry101]

Day 1

light. 2
Golden gleams, 3
Women polite 4
to children's screams. 5
Noisy buzzing-- 6
busy-bee's honey- 7
coating nests-- 8
prep for rest. 9

Night

lights.
Tires screech
from sirens bright.
Peace we breach
with what they call a piece.
Mark of the beast
inside the minds 
of owl's blind.

Day

light.
Glowing rays
meet the quite
quiet man's gaze.
"The yellow isn't yellow,"
in his mind is what bellows.
So he closes his eyes
to meet the
Night's
lights.
To each his own,
be it fight or plight
or flight or flown,
past tense if you're past tense
senses or apprehense.
Embrace dark's embrace
in place of light's emplace.

Hello, I will do my best.

The title "Day and Night," that might be referencing extreme changes, or balance like yin and yang. Maybe even life and death, or a cycle of some sort. I suppose I'll see if any reference to these are made or I will discover what is being referenced in the poem. Let's start!

Firstly I would say maybe do not indicate whether it is day or night before the stanza? If the reader cannot realize it from reading then something is wrong. As the word "Day" has become part of the poem, but consider how does it add to the poem as opposed to merely being an indicator that just points in a direction? Is it necessary to point in that direction? Why limit the poem like that?

Reading the first stanza I assume the sun is providing the light and those are the golden gleams. I am gonna take it a step further and say maybe this is what the author is seeing, hearing, or observing? Because stanza 1 lines 4-5 is a normally a universal truth, but also something seen often. What follows (6-7) could mean that the child was stung by a bee; it would be my first guess. As for "coating nests" line 8 I am not sure. It isn't very clear.

Reading through the poem; in a similar fashion to the first stanza line 8. I do not have the slightest as to why they are their or how they add to the poem itself. I am not entirely unfamiliar with wanting sounds to register first. Like the kids rhyme the kookaburra song where the bird calls and you can hear it (if you've heard it before). I do not think you should have gone away from that like "tires screech" and then you abandon it the sounds and start philosophizing? It was very apparent and very awkward to me. And the tautology(?) at the end of stanza 3 was very head scratching.

I don't think your ideas of day and night reached me. I did see a shift, but I disliked how it was presented. And I don't think that that was what you were going for. I suggest looking at the poem "The universe" by May Swenson. I think that might have been what you were going for? I may be totally wrong though. My other suggestion is to be as consistent as possible, and also don't be afraid to go even more abstract. Don't force rhymes if they aren't their don't make them be their. It's perfectly fine y'know. They'll happen when they happen and if they don't just skip that part and come back to it. That's what I do lol.