11-29-2015, 07:59 AM
Duke,
Thanks for the crit, I started rapping before writing poetry so there's alot of changes I'm still trying to make when writing a poem, but I guess it still comes off as rap lol but,
I agree with you editing L30-33.
For L24, you're not far off! I'm not sure how race came into play for you but I intended to reference 'yellow' to daylights 'golden gleams' and 'glowing rays' and tie it together the the 'nightlights' of police cars, gunfire, and so forth.
Yeah I'm still debating whether to rewrite 'sirens bright.' it doesnt make sense logically speaking, but im sure the reader gets what im saying. Idk maybe another opinion will clear things up.
I originally wanted to do "Breach of peace" but I've been told ending two lines with homophones comes off as weak. Not sure what to do here hm..
L18 is first meant to allude to the 'night-owl' term, and how most humans that are active at night are on the side of Satan, which finally leaves them blind(like an owl
) to the beauty of day's light.
The militaristic application of emplace was intentional, however might've been lost in translation. Most men of the night are doing things similar to grunts; breaching peace. Maybe a rewrite would do well here too.
Thanks again for the crit! ill keep in mind your ideas for musical elements they sound pretty good actually
Thanks for the crit, I started rapping before writing poetry so there's alot of changes I'm still trying to make when writing a poem, but I guess it still comes off as rap lol but,
I agree with you editing L30-33.
For L24, you're not far off! I'm not sure how race came into play for you but I intended to reference 'yellow' to daylights 'golden gleams' and 'glowing rays' and tie it together the the 'nightlights' of police cars, gunfire, and so forth.
Yeah I'm still debating whether to rewrite 'sirens bright.' it doesnt make sense logically speaking, but im sure the reader gets what im saying. Idk maybe another opinion will clear things up.
I originally wanted to do "Breach of peace" but I've been told ending two lines with homophones comes off as weak. Not sure what to do here hm..
L18 is first meant to allude to the 'night-owl' term, and how most humans that are active at night are on the side of Satan, which finally leaves them blind(like an owl
) to the beauty of day's light.The militaristic application of emplace was intentional, however might've been lost in translation. Most men of the night are doing things similar to grunts; breaching peace. Maybe a rewrite would do well here too.
Thanks again for the crit! ill keep in mind your ideas for musical elements they sound pretty good actually
Crit away