11-26-2015, 01:08 AM
I'm new here, but I have to say I'm rather impressed by this piece on several levels. I think your word choice was absolutely spot on and even being a free verse piece I thought it had rather fantastic rhythm and almost even followed a certain beat, which is a quality that is often difficult to achieve with free verse, but I think you did it perfectly. One thing that has always captured me with great poetry is the writers ability to teeter on the edge of controversy while not wholly expressing their distain or pleasure in a forthright manner, and again, I think you achieved this brilliantly.
The only thing I would do is add a comma to line 12 "The battery of photo lenses, as sharp as his weapon.", and another one in line 20 "Close enough to survey their teeth, and feel their breath on his face."...I think this would help maintain the inherent rhythm and make the piece flow better. Other than that, great job, I really enjoyed this one!
The only thing I would do is add a comma to line 12 "The battery of photo lenses, as sharp as his weapon.", and another one in line 20 "Close enough to survey their teeth, and feel their breath on his face."...I think this would help maintain the inherent rhythm and make the piece flow better. Other than that, great job, I really enjoyed this one!