1st time

[billy]

After a heated
Exchange of dirt words
I gave in-
Fear in my eyes.

Uncontrollable sweat
from my chest
Chills down my spine

As I inhale your breath
Chill bumps increased
Fan hitting us

Eye sight wandered around
Reflection of our bare naked bodies
Sketched on the wall
Hands crisscrossed over my chest
Nervously trembling

Fistful of tears I tried to fight
Sharp pain entering
All the memories of the days
I was once a little prude
massively attack my brain
Now a woman lying on the bed
Or at least, I thought

hi loveblind.

i enjoyed the first verse and felt that the last line of it would have flowed better with "with" at the beginning (With fear in my eyes)

the 2nd verse; would on work better than from?

3rd verse; chill has already been used in the previous verse.

4th verse; eyesight not eye sight.
1st line feels awkward, would crossed work better in line 4?

5th verse; 1st line fistfuls
line 2 where was the pain entering?
for me this last verse feels disjointed. it needs some clarity as the flow is really jerky.

just my opinion LB. keep up the writing and thanks for the read.