Vulnerable

[Alexearth]

This is an edit of an old poem I dug up from last year:

http://www.pigpenpoetry.com/thread-15254...first+date

New feedback would definitely be appreciated; I think I still might need to add another stanza before the last one.

-------

I squeezed conversation out
like near empty toothpaste:
dry, coarse, and insignificant.
 
The couple at the next table over
were fighting about who would pay the bill,
and I listened while my date checked her phone
for the third time.
 
Our waiter broke the silence
with the specials. I asked for the fish
and she ordered the T-Bone, with fries instead of salad.
 
I talked about work until the food came,
when she finally smiled.
 
Her steak was bleeding raw,
and I felt I was the cow
as she made the first cut.

Nice piece. I personally would either get rid of the stanza which talks about the other couple, or add another stanza contrasting even more your bad date with the good happy couples of the restaurant. You could describe a jolly atmosphere for example.
The structure is perfect, breaking at the right words.
I would like to see more implicit judgment from the narrator as well!
The only thing I would do is get rid of the "dry, coarse insignificant." as the metaphor with the toothpaste is self-explanatory in my opinion. But then you would need a transition phrase for the next stanza.

Anyway, this is all just some perfectionist thoughts, I like the poem how it is too. Nice job!


Alex