11-24-2015, 01:31 AM
Hi there I enjoyed your poem and have shared comments below.
'old darkness ruled' is a powerful and evocative phrase. This is the strongest line in the first stanza and outperforms the first two lines
'road's rough edges' perhaps lacks imagination and maybe the language could be changed to be more impactful. camber is a more interesting word than edges, for example
the expression 'ditch-tripping' in the new version is superior to 'ditch tumbling' I think.
The impact of indenting the final stanza is that the reader ponders the statement for longer. I am unsure of whether this is the intention, however it does serve to give emphasis to the conclusion albeit I was perhaps distracted from the language by wondering about the purpose of indentation.
I prefer the new version to the old.
Best regards, Deakin
'old darkness ruled' is a powerful and evocative phrase. This is the strongest line in the first stanza and outperforms the first two lines
'road's rough edges' perhaps lacks imagination and maybe the language could be changed to be more impactful. camber is a more interesting word than edges, for example
the expression 'ditch-tripping' in the new version is superior to 'ditch tumbling' I think.
The impact of indenting the final stanza is that the reader ponders the statement for longer. I am unsure of whether this is the intention, however it does serve to give emphasis to the conclusion albeit I was perhaps distracted from the language by wondering about the purpose of indentation.
I prefer the new version to the old.
Best regards, Deakin