Losing Track v.2 - was On Fear

[Minu]

Edited; title change


Losing Track


As I drove west, alone, one black-skied night, - sort of cliché, is a night red or green? It's like saying a person has two arms, two legs and a head
Conditionally wakeful, coffee-fueled,
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled; - a repeat of the nightly aspect, not needed.
Headlit, three painted traces flickered white. - three? So three cars went by or an illusion?

Lines marked the road’s rough edges, reflex-jeweled, - contradicts itself, if it's a really rough country style road there'd be no lines. I've driven down a country "highway" road for two years, you guess the edge of the road and hope for the best half the time during the night.
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally, --- this does not really rhyme with unreliably and visa versa. It is too clunky and makes for a slowdown of the read.
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably. --- doesn't rhyme with centrally, and I'd hope both years & heartbeats are a bit regular. Otherwise leap-years are more common than I know and you may want to see that GP.
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled. - you're driving in the night. Unless there's street lights even car lights don't light up everything.

One reference track, or two, blanked frequently - --- again the rhyme is chunky with fatally. Needless if you rewrite stanza two to proper country / remote night driving.
If all, I knew I’d have no chance to stop, --- remove if all, it's a stumbling block in grammar and throws the reader off.
But run mad off the road at speed and drop, - remove but for the same reason
Ditch-tripping, rolling, crashing fatally. -- repetitive and the use of crashing is not needed for that reason. The sentence goes without say that the driver is crashing unless ditch tripping & rolling is a new mode of driving.

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, gut-loosening, locked-in dread was worse. - same with the ditch tripping sentence. Too much of the same thing turns the line into a hand-holder. Get rid of sustained and locked in.


original version;

On Fear


As I drove home one starless, moonless night,
I met the fear of all fears, and was schooled.
My speed was seventy, old darkness ruled;
Within it, three faint traces flickered white.

Lines marked the road’s two edges, reflex-jeweled,
And passing-dashes pulsed out centrally,
Like years or heartbeats, unreliably,
Each guide-mark quenched when tar or shadows pooled.

One trace, or two, blanked periodically -
If three, I feared I couldn’t see or stop,
But hurtle off the road at speed and drop,
Ditch-tumbling, catastrophically.

    So fear of falling’s not the final curse:
    Sustained, anticipating dread is worse.

---

Typical of recent work, but this one lacks hoped-for intensity befitting the theme.  Why?  Robust criticism will be appreciated.

Maybe I am overthinking it, however, as said I have driven on these sorts of roads in the middle of the night. The poem carries the aspect but you've gone at it with a sledge hammer, trying to force the fear onto the reader instead of letting the reader find the fear themselves.

Take out some of the unnecessary heavy-handed words [black-skied night, crashing, sustained, locked-in, etc.] - read it out loud would definitely help you or have someone else read it out-loud.