11-21-2015, 04:22 PM
Hi, I'm new here. Apparently I'm supposed to critique 3 poems before I post mine. So here goes. Yours has been... how we say... selected *rubs hands together* MUAHAHAHAHA
I have to say, I really like this poem. I judge most things in life on an eclectic basis so its hard for me to say specific things, but I find this poem to be rather clever and honest. A lot of poems seem as though they are merely trying to be something, whereas your poem is. Specifically, I like the way your poem doesn't wallow too much in self pity but focuses on recovery from trauma and hope while caught in a turbulent emotional battle. Hopefully this is more than a breakup poem though...
I do a lot of music, so I tend to analyze poems from a sort of lyrical, musical perspective. That said, I like the cadence of the lines
Alone i drown in thoughts once grand
and
My dear, you should know that I'll win,
this chess game against the djinn.
The words "Alone I drown" are rather piercing and sad, especially amid "thoughts once grand". But then your poem is back to My dear... the djinn. It's interesting the way you used irony in calling your enemy "dear" and "djinn" in following lines.
But my critique wouldn't be terribly useful to you if it were all praise so I'll now say what I didn't like. The phrase "fangs to feast" sounds rather dead, although I like the meaning behind it. It simply doesn't work. I would keep the words "fangs" and "feast", since they go together. Since its at the beginning of your poem, its very important to change. Obviously fangs are a negative word (fangs = biting = violence = negativity) while feast can be a negative or positive word (feast = hunt = carnage = negativity but also feast = food = nourishment = positivity). So you should try to emphasize the negative aspects of the word feast. Maybe through in something about blood or a hunt. "As your fangs sink first into the feast" might work as a replacement... idk thats not the best line either.
Aside from that there are a couple of minor filler/transitional words that could use a little rearranging.
--Plato
I have to say, I really like this poem. I judge most things in life on an eclectic basis so its hard for me to say specific things, but I find this poem to be rather clever and honest. A lot of poems seem as though they are merely trying to be something, whereas your poem is. Specifically, I like the way your poem doesn't wallow too much in self pity but focuses on recovery from trauma and hope while caught in a turbulent emotional battle. Hopefully this is more than a breakup poem though...
I do a lot of music, so I tend to analyze poems from a sort of lyrical, musical perspective. That said, I like the cadence of the lines
Alone i drown in thoughts once grand
and
My dear, you should know that I'll win,
this chess game against the djinn.
The words "Alone I drown" are rather piercing and sad, especially amid "thoughts once grand". But then your poem is back to My dear... the djinn. It's interesting the way you used irony in calling your enemy "dear" and "djinn" in following lines.
But my critique wouldn't be terribly useful to you if it were all praise so I'll now say what I didn't like. The phrase "fangs to feast" sounds rather dead, although I like the meaning behind it. It simply doesn't work. I would keep the words "fangs" and "feast", since they go together. Since its at the beginning of your poem, its very important to change. Obviously fangs are a negative word (fangs = biting = violence = negativity) while feast can be a negative or positive word (feast = hunt = carnage = negativity but also feast = food = nourishment = positivity). So you should try to emphasize the negative aspects of the word feast. Maybe through in something about blood or a hunt. "As your fangs sink first into the feast" might work as a replacement... idk thats not the best line either.
Aside from that there are a couple of minor filler/transitional words that could use a little rearranging.
--Plato
(11-07-2015, 04:07 PM)the man with the spoon Wrote: Why so cold
Those with dim futures,
dwell on the past.
Have bitter lives, not built to last.
How do you see me as this beast,
when you're the one with fangs to feast.
Upon a soul so full of cheer,
you cracked my shell.
Why do your eyes leer,
into my soul,
life still goes on.
For now it seems that i just drift,
in memories that once did lift.
This spirit to unbounded heights,
Now dredge me through this solemn plight.
Alone i drown in thoughts once grand,
legs that were strong, can barely stand.
Let waters flow and fires dance,
but cold comes at any given chance.
Frost freezes over rivers that flow,
puts out fires, meant still to glow.
My dear, you should know that I'll win,
this chess game against the djinn.
The fiery beast that you portray,
why lose the game, when you can play.
Spring now brings an air that thaws.
Will my future ever brighten.
I long to succeed
future?
will I?
Please?