11-21-2015, 02:37 PM
I would like to preface this by saying I am a novice myself, and you should take all my advice with such an amount of salt as that requires. Before I begin in earnest, I do like your poem. Normally, I am not excited by confessional poem, but your poem seems not to deal with you yourself, but with a situation and mind state in the general. I should start, before anything, by imploring you to watch out for the cliche. They creep in like bugs when we are watching, and it is our job to find them out and squash them!
7. The biggest problems with this line is that it's cliche. "cracking shells," has been going on for some time now. Is there another way to get across the idea of betrayal and desperation?
19. Good use of alliteration with "Frost Freezes." The problem I see with this line is the "rivers that flow." It is a redundancy, since we assume that the rivers flow.
28-30. I, myself, am not much of a fan of the one word ending line. I understand it is supposed to give a sort of haunting effect, but I think such effect works only to its greatest extent in narrative poems with certain supernatural elements (think Poe's Raven). Here is an example of what I mean.
"In the mists
where darkness twists
I spoke in hushed tones
the angel name Marie
And in reply
the mist did cry
the angel name
"Marie"!"
- Those with dim futures,
- dwell on the past.
- Have bitter lives, not built to last.
- How do you see me as this beast,
- when you're the one with fangs to feast.
- Upon a soul so full of cheer,
- you cracked my shell.
- Why do your eyes leer,
- into my soul,
- life still goes on.
- For now it seems that i just drift,
- in memories that once did lift.
- This spirit to unbounded heights,
- Now dredge me through this solemn plight.
- Alone i drown in thoughts once grand,
- legs that were strong, can barely stand.
- Let waters flow and fires dance,
- but cold comes at any given chance.
- Frost freezes over rivers that flow,
- puts out fires, meant still to glow.
- My dear, you should know that I'll win,
- this chess game against the djinn.
- The fiery beast that you portray,
- why lose the game, when you can play.
- Spring now brings an air that thaws.
- Will my future ever brighten.
- I long to succeed
- future?
- will I?
- Please?
7. The biggest problems with this line is that it's cliche. "cracking shells," has been going on for some time now. Is there another way to get across the idea of betrayal and desperation?
19. Good use of alliteration with "Frost Freezes." The problem I see with this line is the "rivers that flow." It is a redundancy, since we assume that the rivers flow.
28-30. I, myself, am not much of a fan of the one word ending line. I understand it is supposed to give a sort of haunting effect, but I think such effect works only to its greatest extent in narrative poems with certain supernatural elements (think Poe's Raven). Here is an example of what I mean.
"In the mists
where darkness twists
I spoke in hushed tones
the angel name Marie
And in reply
the mist did cry
the angel name
"Marie"!"