Why so cold

[dukealien]

Why so cold

01 Those with dim futures,
02 dwell on the past.
03 Have bitter lives, not built to last.
04 How do you see me as this beast, 
05 when you're the one with fangs to feast.
06 Upon a soul so full of cheer,
07 you cracked my shell.
08 Why do your eyes leer,
09 into my soul,
10 life still goes on. 
11 For now it seems that i just drift,
12 in memories that once did lift.
13 This spirit to unbounded heights,
14 Now dredge me through this solemn plight.
15 Alone i drown in thoughts once grand,
16 legs that were strong, can barely stand. 
17 Let waters flow and fires dance, 
18 but cold comes at any given chance.
19 Frost freezes over rivers that flow, 
20 puts out fires, meant still to glow.
21 My dear, you should know that I'll win,
22 this chess game against the djinn.
23 The fiery beast that you portray,
24 why lose the game, when you can play.
25 Spring now brings an air that thaws.
26 Will my future ever brighten.
27 I long to succeed
28 future?
29 will I?
30 Please?

I disagree somewhat with billy (whose critique I shoulld not have read before writing) - this poem does have a meter, even a driving meter, but it's partly obscured by punctuation and line breaks.

I read it as lines each of two four-foot halves with a pause between nearly equal to a line-end pause, disregarding most punctuation and some line breaks.  Few lines are iambic, most are

/../ (pause) /../   or even .../ (pause) .../

with possible grace-notes (extra syllables) sometimes used either at the line end or at the pause.  For example, lines 1 and 2, combined, would read

Those with dim fu  -  tures              dwell in the past
   /   .    .   / (grace note) (pause)    /     .  .   /

There are a few departures, particularly at the end.  It's a lyric way of writing, and a first step might be to clue the reader in by joining each of the half-lines with its other half.  (In that scheme, l.10 appears to be an orphan as well as something of a cliche.)

In my view, punctuation at line ends (and mid-line pauses, if the above is accepted) needs a second look. For example, the comma at the end of line 1 is unnecessary; so are the periods at the ends of l.5 and possibly  l.7.  Another example is the period at the end of l.22 ("the djinn [,] the firey beast that you portray") could be a comma, and l.23 end with a period.

Also, "i" is capitalized in some places, not in others.

There are some cliches and archaisms that could be creatively remedied - for example, l.12, "in memories that used to lift," instead of the archaic "did lift," and in l.2, "not built to last" could become "never stand fast," or the like.

Overall, the poem is interesting:  I picture a Dungeons and Dragons™ session invading or invaded by real life.  A final suggestion:  the top and bottom metaphor, speaking of dim and bright futures, could be worked into the middle of the porm as well.

And, from a novice:  set this one aside, but look at it every couple of days and make small improvements.  You have a good sense of rhyme, force yourself to use it throughout, in regular meter, and even at the beginning and end - a snappy final couplet can say more than an ellipsis (or a curtailed line), and is more challenging to write.  Read it aloud, concentrate on spots that are difficult to say, and post edits.