11-14-2015, 10:10 AM
I think that the poem has potential to be really powerful, however at this point it does not create a complete image, nor does it evoke all of the emotion that it could. I agree that the last line is a bit weak and that the second to last line is much stronger. I would also replace the whacks with something more powerful, however I do understand that the simplicity might come from the fact that it is written in the perspective of a third grader. Also the line "my heartbeat races" might sound better if you say "my heart races" or "my heart pounds".