11-13-2015, 03:59 AM
Thanks everyone for your time and input. Minor edit posted with due credit.
poorfortune: I'm not sure exactly what you meant by L1 and L3 being too far apart. I'm not sure they can be closer than the 10 feet I've given them.
I'm still toying with your idea of a dash in L5, but have not yet made that change.
dukealien: I understand what you're saying about the broken iambic in L2 but I have no ideas thus far on how to address it. I tried to rework the meter in L10 and L11. I'm still unsure about L10 as the meaning is slightly different now. Using "as if she'd" in L11 was my first choice but I'd already used "as if" and tried to get around a second instance.
alston towers: I'm not hearing the issue in L4. - and you're right. It would be a very delicate thing to adjust - at least for me. "Warm" and "warmly" bugged me from the start. I may have been a little stubborn about "warmly" in L13 simply because it was a piece of the original haiku. I'm over it- thanks.
All thoughtful input and suggestions. Much appreciated.
Paul
poorfortune: I'm not sure exactly what you meant by L1 and L3 being too far apart. I'm not sure they can be closer than the 10 feet I've given them.
I'm still toying with your idea of a dash in L5, but have not yet made that change. dukealien: I understand what you're saying about the broken iambic in L2 but I have no ideas thus far on how to address it. I tried to rework the meter in L10 and L11. I'm still unsure about L10 as the meaning is slightly different now. Using "as if she'd" in L11 was my first choice but I'd already used "as if" and tried to get around a second instance.
alston towers: I'm not hearing the issue in L4. - and you're right. It would be a very delicate thing to adjust - at least for me. "Warm" and "warmly" bugged me from the start. I may have been a little stubborn about "warmly" in L13 simply because it was a piece of the original haiku. I'm over it- thanks.
All thoughtful input and suggestions. Much appreciated.
Paul