11-07-2015, 05:52 PM
hi spoon;
some things to look out for:
cliches; old well used or common phrase that are already worn out before the reader reads them [dwell on the past/life still goes on] try and find a meter to suite the poem. check out the urls in my sig [poetic devices] for the meter url.
syntax; [in memories that once did lift.] is written in an older language than the one we now use. [lifted] is as good as [once did lift]
i won't overload you but i'm hoping others will chip in with helpful suggestions.
some things to look out for:
cliches; old well used or common phrase that are already worn out before the reader reads them [dwell on the past/life still goes on] try and find a meter to suite the poem. check out the urls in my sig [poetic devices] for the meter url.
syntax; [in memories that once did lift.] is written in an older language than the one we now use. [lifted] is as good as [once did lift]
i won't overload you but i'm hoping others will chip in with helpful suggestions.
(11-07-2015, 04:07 PM)the man with the spoon Wrote: Why so cold
Those with dim futures,
dwell on the past.
Have bitter lives, not built to last.
How do you see me as this beast,
when you're the one with fangs to feast. nice [alliteration] with the fangs to feast
Upon a soul so full of cheer,
you cracked my shell.
Why do your eyes leer,
into my soul,
life still goes on.
For now it seems that i just drift,
in memories that once did lift.
This spirit to unbounded heights,
Now dredge me through this solemn plight.
Alone i drown in thoughts once grand,
legs that were strong, can barely stand.
Let waters flow and fires dance,
but cold comes at any given chance.
Frost freezes over rivers that flow,
puts out fires, meant still to glow.
My dear, you should know that I'll win,
this chess game against the djinn.
The fiery beast that you portray,
why lose the game, when you can play.
Spring now brings an air that thaws.
Will my future ever brighten.
I long to succeed
future?
will I?
Please?