11-05-2015, 06:42 AM
(11-05-2015, 02:47 AM)ellajam Wrote:thanks!(11-02-2015, 04:22 AM)BW BRINE Wrote: A bear and a boy make way west, I'd like a "their" before "way'. Intriguing opening.I enjoyed the read.
not really hoping for anything but some clean air
or open space.
Enveloped in the world on the way,
stratified vision divides the stars and people from one another,
brilliant and sparkling;
colored plains of grains and rolling endless crystal views
are refracted through bottled water.
I enjoyed the whole strophe.
Nights are calm at first, but soon, I don't think you need this comma, I'm not sure about the break either.
upset; comma here?
as if something other than what they expect
knocks them back,
asking for directions, I get confused here.
crossing paths to anywhere,
from any road to travel there,
and beating brazen, prideful,
strong as ever,
they continue.
-BW BRINE
What about something like this for the last strophe:
Nights are calm at first, but soon upset,
as if something unexpected knocks them back,
asking for directions,
crossing paths from anywhere;
beating, brazen, prideful,
strong as ever,
they continue.


