10-29-2015, 10:07 PM
00 The prophet was a liar.
01 No friends.
02 Fired 4 times.
03 Two sexual partners.
04 One abortion.
05 Where was the revolution?
06 Where were the followers?
07 Full of drive
08 but often failing
09 I deceived myself.
10
11 Converted two souls to the faith
12 Now though, an atheist.
13 An atheist without any friends,
14 without any admires,
15 and one abortion.
This has turned out well. I do like it.
You took the advice you needed, but knew what you wanted.
Good poem.
Some nits:
07 Since you're using punctuation marks, "drive" needs a "," after it.
08 And "failing" needs a "." after it.
11 "faith" needs either a "," or a "."
13-14 Can't I convince you to take those two "any" 's out? (I suggested this in my first crit.)
They don't add anything to the meaning, and they injure the rhythm and impact.
But either way, this is a very powerful poem. Those last five lines are devastating.
Ray
01 No friends.
02 Fired 4 times.
03 Two sexual partners.
04 One abortion.
05 Where was the revolution?
06 Where were the followers?
07 Full of drive
08 but often failing
09 I deceived myself.
10
11 Converted two souls to the faith
12 Now though, an atheist.
13 An atheist without any friends,
14 without any admires,
15 and one abortion.
This has turned out well. I do like it.
You took the advice you needed, but knew what you wanted.
Good poem.
Some nits:
07 Since you're using punctuation marks, "drive" needs a "," after it.
08 And "failing" needs a "." after it.
11 "faith" needs either a "," or a "."
13-14 Can't I convince you to take those two "any" 's out? (I suggested this in my first crit.)
They don't add anything to the meaning, and they injure the rhythm and impact.
But either way, this is a very powerful poem. Those last five lines are devastating.
Ray
a brightly colored fungus that grows in bark inclusions