10-28-2015, 11:41 AM
I liked the narrative and there were some nice pieces of imagery.
"My eyes were always open, but he opened them again,
And He lifted me out of the stones into the company of men."
Lifting (me) out of the stones into the company of men is a strong and intriguing idea, followed up by "His love mended my brokenness". I think you could build more upon this as it was the heart of the poem for me.
It's probably only me but the line "If a pin were to drop, it would surely be heard." felt oddly jarring. The "pin drop" idea conveyed the idea of an interior space (because you would never hear a pin drop outside) and so I left the garden for a moment!
"My eyes were always open, but he opened them again,
And He lifted me out of the stones into the company of men."
Lifting (me) out of the stones into the company of men is a strong and intriguing idea, followed up by "His love mended my brokenness". I think you could build more upon this as it was the heart of the poem for me.
It's probably only me but the line "If a pin were to drop, it would surely be heard." felt oddly jarring. The "pin drop" idea conveyed the idea of an interior space (because you would never hear a pin drop outside) and so I left the garden for a moment!