10-25-2015, 12:04 PM
"a landscaper cutting back grass and dandelions with a weed walker, living things, next to a grave stone while in the shade of a big pine."
Because of the directness there, that line of prose is somehow more effective in conveying the scene than your haiku. Not the mood, surely, but one of the things about haiku is that it is a synthesis of mood and scene -- you speak through concrete objects, just as the concrete objects speak to you, and the two ideas unify into one moment of enlightenment. Right now, there's no such crystallization here, only an abstract feeling, and haiku doesn't deal with feelings, it deals with experiences. You dig?
Because of the directness there, that line of prose is somehow more effective in conveying the scene than your haiku. Not the mood, surely, but one of the things about haiku is that it is a synthesis of mood and scene -- you speak through concrete objects, just as the concrete objects speak to you, and the two ideas unify into one moment of enlightenment. Right now, there's no such crystallization here, only an abstract feeling, and haiku doesn't deal with feelings, it deals with experiences. You dig?