10-16-2015, 06:15 PM
the original is better for me, and it can be a bit different if it's a senryu,
i did like tom's idea about connecting more clearly
in autumn air
a rifle cracks-
the labored egg
a suggestion would be along the lines of;
autumn air
a rifle cracks-
eggs shoot out
i did like tom's idea about connecting more clearly
in autumn air
a rifle cracks-
the labored egg
a suggestion would be along the lines of;
autumn air
a rifle cracks-
eggs shoot out