10-16-2015, 04:42 PM
(10-15-2015, 10:14 PM)justlikeyou Wrote:Hi again,(10-15-2015, 04:56 PM)tectak Wrote:I went back to that moment and distilled it down to what it was that initially struck me. It wasn't the sounds as such but rather the irony of moment - the chicken birthing an egg = Life. The hunter's shot = death. That was the significance of the moment for me.(10-15-2015, 08:57 AM)justlikeyou Wrote: That's very fun! I may end up back at 5-7-5 yet but want to play a bit more first.Not a revision,
Completely revised:
In autumn air- together
they speak of the certainty
of birth then death
It's lost all precision. Now,
not as envisioned.
Best,
tectak
In the Autumn air
a chicken births irony
in the hunters kill
(it's 5-7-5 as well)
Remember the precision comment..It still applies. Chickens LAY eggs, they do not BIRTH them. The chicken is not IN the air unless it is flying and laying simultaneously. How does anything birth irony in? Apostrophe in "hunter's".
Forget the infatuation with the wonder of your own profundity and get back to saying something clearly. Hell, you only permit yourself three lines...how hard can it be?
Best,
tectak]