10-13-2015, 02:55 PM
(10-09-2015, 08:29 AM)kefta4ever Wrote: Inhale:
I see your eyes
Your brown eyes, the repetition doesn't add anything for me here. I would cut this line and change the one above it to "I see your brown eyes"
The pigment of earth…
They supply life to your nature I don't really understand this line. Are you saying this persons eyes represent who they are (or, their nature)? If so, I think you could say that clearer. If not, I'm not sure what you're trying to say here.
Sending twin streams trailing down
To pool upon your cheeks
Warmly cooling your edges,
Those cheeks appear delighted her cheeks appear delighted even though she's crying? Why? In what way?
Lightly reflecting your beauty,
Then they reach a point
Along your strong chin which
Separates me from your lips,
Barricades me from her scorched body
I can’t see her eyes, I can't figure out why her is italicized. Is this "her" a different person from the person you're talking to ("your cheeks", "your edges", "your beauty", etc)? If not, why not keep using "your", adding "her" is a little confusing.
Exhale:
I just listen into your darkness:
Your broken fingers
She can’t grasp my hand
Your bruised sides
She cringes at my embrace
Your untold agony
She cries when I am near,
You say you Love me!
But her Love is more fragile. That was a very, very, very long sentence (the whole poem so far). Clear punctuation makes anything easier to understand. There are some reasons for not using it, but I don't think you had any rationale for not using periods up until this point.
She flees to her dim asylum
And then you’re gone.
I wish I could solely
Inhale your beauty
And exhale your pain.
Alas, in our breath
We still shared life.
Just some of my thoughts as I read through the piece. I was confused as to what was happening; I think you should try and make it a little more straightforward.