10-11-2015, 11:30 PM
I am also a novice poet. Thanks for having courage to post your creation. I'll just give my own reaction to various lines in your poem, from the standpoint of the "common man" not well versed in poetry, as I am. Of course, my comments just describe my own subjective emotional responses. The comments I'm making describe my reactions as I first read your poem, stanza by stanza. At the end of my post, I'll make a final comment.
Come to me my lovely.
Come let me fall into the grave with you;
Let me find peace in your being.
My heart is of distress;
My heart is torn by the rigors of life.
In your first stanza, I wondered if the second line were a metaphor for having sex with another, which I found interesting. And I liked the third line, describing emotional or spiritual union. The last two lines were a little jarring to me, having been soothed by your finding peace and then being confronted by your distress. I wondered if this described sex primarily as a tension release.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light
Whose soul is sweeter than the most delicate of honey.
Hold fast from the one that lurks in the shadow;
Do not walk blindly to which that consumes you,
For there you will find her snare.
I liked all the lines, except for the second, which was a little "syrupy" to me, and as such, stood out too much and interrupted the flow of your thoughts. If the same sentiment had been expressed using different words, I would have liked it better. I interpret this stanza as expressing caution in entering a relationship. My favorite line is the fourth.
How can one hold fast when you are far gone?
How can one hold fast where it consumes my soul?
I tell you not, my heart cannot bide fully in both.
The slightest of entices and I run.
But to whom shall I run?
I interpret this stanza as one having mixed feelings about a relationship, being strongly drawn to it, yet being afraid of it at the same time. I would have preferred your using "when" instead of "where" in the second line, because, to me, it takes away from the contrast between "you are far gone" and "it consumes my soul," which I think is your point here.
To you my lovely,
A beauty beyond the surface of the sea;
A complexity as deep as the ocean.
My soul leads me to your shore;
My heart finds me by your wayside.
I like the third and fourth lines. To me, the fifth line would have been better related to the fourth line had it been expressed in "ocean terms," something like "My heart finds me adrift in your waves."
But to you,
A beauty as blinding as gold shimmering from the sun.
A complexity intertwined with the metal of my own.
With you I find the passion I crave.
With you I find the life I left behind.
To me, the last two lines describe, finally, what you are looking for in a/the relationship. The second and third lines were a bit of a repetition of thoughts in the last stanza, and I glossed over them, especially the second, which was somewhat overblown, to me.
To feel trapped by your heart,
But free from your touch.
I walk where I choose freely,
But fear to venture beyond your path.
A view beautiful beyond the horizon.
In this stanza, your punctuation bothered me a bit, for some reason. This would not have been the case had you used commas after lines two and four.
A ravage of fire and wind consumes my soul.
Burning that which cannot be burned.
Chasing that which cannot be chased.
I fear the one who lurks in the shadow.
Yet I realize now it was I the entire time.
The last two lines were great, the "punch line," as it were. I think I would have preferred "Now" instead of "Yet" in the last line, indicating that it was the conclusion you had reached after your "soul searching." The last two lines prompted me to go back and reread the whole poem from a different perspective. Finally I think I know what you mean by "grave" in your first stanza. The second two lines were a little bit too reminiscent of Lau Tzu's "Tao Te Ching," but perhaps relevant, because you talk about the emotional polarities that each of us carries inside and tries to reconcile. I think you deal with a very difficult subject here and I think you did an excellent job. I think your poem might have been more effective had it been condensed some and flowed more FORCEFULLY from the beginning to the end. I'd love to see a revised version, incorporating all the feedback that you've received in this thread, if you feel that any of the feedback is relevant to you, of course.
Sincerely,
Larry B.
Come to me my lovely.
Come let me fall into the grave with you;
Let me find peace in your being.
My heart is of distress;
My heart is torn by the rigors of life.
In your first stanza, I wondered if the second line were a metaphor for having sex with another, which I found interesting. And I liked the third line, describing emotional or spiritual union. The last two lines were a little jarring to me, having been soothed by your finding peace and then being confronted by your distress. I wondered if this described sex primarily as a tension release.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light
Whose soul is sweeter than the most delicate of honey.
Hold fast from the one that lurks in the shadow;
Do not walk blindly to which that consumes you,
For there you will find her snare.
I liked all the lines, except for the second, which was a little "syrupy" to me, and as such, stood out too much and interrupted the flow of your thoughts. If the same sentiment had been expressed using different words, I would have liked it better. I interpret this stanza as expressing caution in entering a relationship. My favorite line is the fourth.
How can one hold fast when you are far gone?
How can one hold fast where it consumes my soul?
I tell you not, my heart cannot bide fully in both.
The slightest of entices and I run.
But to whom shall I run?
I interpret this stanza as one having mixed feelings about a relationship, being strongly drawn to it, yet being afraid of it at the same time. I would have preferred your using "when" instead of "where" in the second line, because, to me, it takes away from the contrast between "you are far gone" and "it consumes my soul," which I think is your point here.
To you my lovely,
A beauty beyond the surface of the sea;
A complexity as deep as the ocean.
My soul leads me to your shore;
My heart finds me by your wayside.
I like the third and fourth lines. To me, the fifth line would have been better related to the fourth line had it been expressed in "ocean terms," something like "My heart finds me adrift in your waves."
But to you,
A beauty as blinding as gold shimmering from the sun.
A complexity intertwined with the metal of my own.
With you I find the passion I crave.
With you I find the life I left behind.
To me, the last two lines describe, finally, what you are looking for in a/the relationship. The second and third lines were a bit of a repetition of thoughts in the last stanza, and I glossed over them, especially the second, which was somewhat overblown, to me.
To feel trapped by your heart,
But free from your touch.
I walk where I choose freely,
But fear to venture beyond your path.
A view beautiful beyond the horizon.
In this stanza, your punctuation bothered me a bit, for some reason. This would not have been the case had you used commas after lines two and four.
A ravage of fire and wind consumes my soul.
Burning that which cannot be burned.
Chasing that which cannot be chased.
I fear the one who lurks in the shadow.
Yet I realize now it was I the entire time.
The last two lines were great, the "punch line," as it were. I think I would have preferred "Now" instead of "Yet" in the last line, indicating that it was the conclusion you had reached after your "soul searching." The last two lines prompted me to go back and reread the whole poem from a different perspective. Finally I think I know what you mean by "grave" in your first stanza. The second two lines were a little bit too reminiscent of Lau Tzu's "Tao Te Ching," but perhaps relevant, because you talk about the emotional polarities that each of us carries inside and tries to reconcile. I think you deal with a very difficult subject here and I think you did an excellent job. I think your poem might have been more effective had it been condensed some and flowed more FORCEFULLY from the beginning to the end. I'd love to see a revised version, incorporating all the feedback that you've received in this thread, if you feel that any of the feedback is relevant to you, of course.
Sincerely,
Larry B.
I drift like a wave on the ocean.
I blow as aimless as the wind.
I blow as aimless as the wind.