10-08-2015, 05:02 PM
these are the hardest types of poetry to be honest with. as a first poem it's fine, but as a poem per say, it carries within, all that is deemed bad [by many] it has lots of cliche, it's overly cheesy, when i read it i see lots of different poems that i've read that have the same or similar lines.
the 2nd line is a good one, it's a decent image but it's buried under cliche
sweeter than honey
the ninth line feels like a mismacsh from a dylan thomas poem.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light: is almost the same as mathew 5:8 which ends with pure in heart.
it's all about beauty and soul and this and that and it's like you used every line you've ever remembered about these things and painted a pastiche with it. cut back on the phrase which go nowhere. try not to use abstract words; use words that can be related to to that can be seen;
you have the beauty of jam or are the handle of a screwdriver. many who are new to poetry will love this poem, those who have written and read a few will pass it by very quickly.
a suggestion would be to capture the essence of it and using three or four stanza/verse do an edit. [aim for originality over cliched poetics]
the 2nd line is a good one, it's a decent image but it's buried under cliche
sweeter than honey
the ninth line feels like a mismacsh from a dylan thomas poem.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light: is almost the same as mathew 5:8 which ends with pure in heart.
it's all about beauty and soul and this and that and it's like you used every line you've ever remembered about these things and painted a pastiche with it. cut back on the phrase which go nowhere. try not to use abstract words; use words that can be related to to that can be seen;
you have the beauty of jam or are the handle of a screwdriver. many who are new to poetry will love this poem, those who have written and read a few will pass it by very quickly.
a suggestion would be to capture the essence of it and using three or four stanza/verse do an edit. [aim for originality over cliched poetics]
(10-08-2015, 11:22 AM)Phat Monkey Wrote: Hey guys this is one of my first attempts at a poem and I'd love any feedback remarks you guys have!
Come to me my lovely.
Come let me fall into the grave with you;
Let me find peace in your being.
My heart is of distress;
My heart is torn by the rigors of life.
Blessed is the one who is pure in the light
Whose soul is sweeter than the most delicate of honey.
Hold fast from the one that lurks in the shadow;
Do not walk blindly to which that consumes you,
For there you will find her snare.
How can one hold fast when you are far gone?
How can one hold fast where it consumes my soul?
I tell you not, my heart cannot bide fully in both.
The slightest of entices and I run.
But to whom shall I run?
To you my lovely,
A beauty beyond the surface of the sea;
A complexity as deep as the ocean.
My soul leads me to your shore;
My heart finds me by your wayside.
But to you,
A beauty as blinding as gold shimmering from the sun.
A complexity intertwined with the metal of my own.
With you I find the passion I crave.
With you I find the life I left behind.
To feel trapped by your heart,
But free from your touch.
I walk where I choose freely,
But fear to venture beyond your path.
A view beautiful beyond the horizon.
A ravage of fire and wind consumes my soul.
Burning that which cannot be burned.
Chasing that which cannot be chased.
I fear the one who lurks in the shadow.
Yet I realize now it was I the entire time.