10-06-2015, 03:31 PM
I can very much relate to this piece. I like your approach, although I think you're missing quite a bit of punctuation at the line breaks. I'm not sure if the hyphens work either. I could be wrong, but I used to write the same way in that I'd place a hyphen where a semicolon ought to go.
L5 and L6 don't sit right with me. It may be the lack of punctuation, but it seems it may be missing an 'and' or something to connect them if they're one sentence.
L12 also seems to be out of place. Its the only imagery surrounded by the abstractness of L11 and L13-14.
The last stanza also seems a little strange to me. Although the idea of referring to yourself in 3rd/1st in the same poem is already strange(unless you're describing a paranoid schizo) to do the switch so abruptly in the same stanza comes off as a bit forced. I might suggest rewriting the last stanza so it's entirely in first person, but that's completely up to you. I truly enjoy the twistedness of the switch in 3rd/1st though, it's like the narrators inner child battling with the fact he's now a man, and it's a very creative way to get the point across. Anyway,
Thanks for the poem!
L5 and L6 don't sit right with me. It may be the lack of punctuation, but it seems it may be missing an 'and' or something to connect them if they're one sentence.
L12 also seems to be out of place. Its the only imagery surrounded by the abstractness of L11 and L13-14.
The last stanza also seems a little strange to me. Although the idea of referring to yourself in 3rd/1st in the same poem is already strange(unless you're describing a paranoid schizo) to do the switch so abruptly in the same stanza comes off as a bit forced. I might suggest rewriting the last stanza so it's entirely in first person, but that's completely up to you. I truly enjoy the twistedness of the switch in 3rd/1st though, it's like the narrators inner child battling with the fact he's now a man, and it's a very creative way to get the point across. Anyway,
Thanks for the poem!