Thief Amongst Us

[ellajam]

Hi, Zachery, it's obvious from your first edit that you've been putting effort in. First I just want to address the content. The devil's coming to get us, it's a pretty common topic and I think you would have to put some kind of twist, use some interesting metaphor or other poetic device to make me want to read it. One thought is maybe if the narrator wrote from his own point of view instead of about "you" you could put some fire into this. I'll point out a few spots below where it seems you've used a wrong word or inverted - twisted the sentence in an unnatural way to force the rhyme.

Hello, I'm new to poetry. I've been writing for almost a month now and ready, to jump right in. I'm ready for the criticism, please don't hold back. 

It's written with portrayal of Satan, preying on the saved. 


An edit after being on the site awhile. 

Thief Amongst Us
----------------------------

Take heed, there's a thief amongst us. 
Not looking for valuables, or junk stuff. 
Persistent in what he wants, he wants us. 

He'll come over no announce.  He'll come with no announcement.
Show himself into the house. 
Sit beside you on the couch. 
Keeping tabs on your spouse.

You go ride into town. 
He's with you in the car. 
Knows wherever you are. 
So,  he'll never be far. 

He's a spy. He wants to know why,
the liquor store, you've not been by. Inversion
Knows, you've been praying at night, 
smiling bright.Your trying to live right. You're

When just one week ago. 
You were all at the dive.  
Where you drank till five. 
Barely getting back alive. These are sentence fragments, you could join them together.

So now, he schemes and plots. 
He'll have you back in distraught.  In distress
Stirring up some trouble steadfast. I don't know what "trouble steadfast" means.
Bothers him more, with time pass. 
 
He needs to have you back. 
Before you become to adapt. become to adapt is off.
Or worse, your faith attract.
Then have a person react. I'm not sure what these two lines mean.

He'll fight for you back till you die. He'll fight to have you back
Won't stop no matter what you try. 
No action will be able to ditch him. 
He's owner of the world you live in. 

He'll bring the fight right to your door. 
Gear up soldier, your now at war.

I hope this helps and that you enjoy the site.