10-03-2015, 02:24 PM
On Edit #2: The third stanza is much more cohesive with the rest of the poem now, well done!
The removal of "This is tomorrow's today." from the first stanza actually doesn't feel quite right to me now. I reckon it should be a unifying line on each stanza, or happen just once on the closing stanza.
In line 5 of the first stanza, "...let the autopilot roll. But this doctor...", would possibly read better as "...let the autopilot roll, but this doctor...", because starting a sentence with a conjunction seems odd to me. Same thing happens with the first line of the second stanza. Though, if I'm honest, that's more of my personal taste in reading than anything else.
In line 2 of the third stanza, I wonder of "dissolved" is the right word to use. It indicates that the action is dissipating or going away, only to be reasserted in the very next line with the debris coming down.
In line 9 of the last stanza, "hdtv" hung me up a bit. I've never seen it without capital letters (usually as Hdtv or HDTV), so I was expecting an entirely different word in lieu of the acronym. Maybe straight-up calling it a "high definition television" would help.
I also think there's supposed to be an apostrophe on "Earths" to make it "Earth's"...I think. Maybe. Don't quote me on that.
Tightening up the jet-black rat segment to one line was very beneficial to the ending of the poem. It seems more succinct and direct, like the narrator is more indifferent to the state of the world as opposed to in contempt. It's a fine last image to leave the reader with.
I hope these nitpicks don't project as disdain for the work, I'm very much enjoying this poem as it grows!
The removal of "This is tomorrow's today." from the first stanza actually doesn't feel quite right to me now. I reckon it should be a unifying line on each stanza, or happen just once on the closing stanza.
In line 5 of the first stanza, "...let the autopilot roll. But this doctor...", would possibly read better as "...let the autopilot roll, but this doctor...", because starting a sentence with a conjunction seems odd to me. Same thing happens with the first line of the second stanza. Though, if I'm honest, that's more of my personal taste in reading than anything else.
In line 2 of the third stanza, I wonder of "dissolved" is the right word to use. It indicates that the action is dissipating or going away, only to be reasserted in the very next line with the debris coming down.
In line 9 of the last stanza, "hdtv" hung me up a bit. I've never seen it without capital letters (usually as Hdtv or HDTV), so I was expecting an entirely different word in lieu of the acronym. Maybe straight-up calling it a "high definition television" would help.
I also think there's supposed to be an apostrophe on "Earths" to make it "Earth's"...I think. Maybe. Don't quote me on that.
Tightening up the jet-black rat segment to one line was very beneficial to the ending of the poem. It seems more succinct and direct, like the narrator is more indifferent to the state of the world as opposed to in contempt. It's a fine last image to leave the reader with.
I hope these nitpicks don't project as disdain for the work, I'm very much enjoying this poem as it grows!