10-02-2015, 02:24 PM
Hi Andy,
I'm certainly no expert but I enjoyed reading your poem. I think it has a lot of potential. I agree that it could really be improved with the addition of some commas where you finish thoughts and want the reader to pause. I also found that as I was reading the poem, the last line of the first stanza ("He stands on the bank and officiates") seems a little out of place. You might want to try and rework the wording so that melds with the rest of your poem. The line "A somber couple stand in its light" gives me the impression of a melancholy tone that, if you want to incorporate, could be more developed.
Thanks for the poem,
Hannah
I'm certainly no expert but I enjoyed reading your poem. I think it has a lot of potential. I agree that it could really be improved with the addition of some commas where you finish thoughts and want the reader to pause. I also found that as I was reading the poem, the last line of the first stanza ("He stands on the bank and officiates") seems a little out of place. You might want to try and rework the wording so that melds with the rest of your poem. The line "A somber couple stand in its light" gives me the impression of a melancholy tone that, if you want to incorporate, could be more developed.
Thanks for the poem,
Hannah