09-29-2015, 06:13 AM
She stands, all but bare,
watching the ripples across the surface.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.
The plunge would be icy,
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
The cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?
While the direct statements and the way the poem is short and packed together in a "complete" way, whatever that means: it does feel complete: those same qualities can be seen as choppy and too direct in the last lines. It's almost making something happen, some kind of poetic magic; but maybe you should tinker with it more, experiment with it more. It doesn't seem quite there yet. Maybe some tinkering with the wording and the images in the first lines will bring something up.
watching the ripples across the surface.
A cool breeze caresses her back,
while the sun's warmth peeks over the fence.
Reminding her of decisions gone by,
much like the one ahead.
The plunge would be icy,
until the burn of exhaustion runs rampant through her.
The cost may be worth the satisfaction received.
Can she take the plunge?
While the direct statements and the way the poem is short and packed together in a "complete" way, whatever that means: it does feel complete: those same qualities can be seen as choppy and too direct in the last lines. It's almost making something happen, some kind of poetic magic; but maybe you should tinker with it more, experiment with it more. It doesn't seem quite there yet. Maybe some tinkering with the wording and the images in the first lines will bring something up.