Hey, Lexi

[ellajam]

Did you hear? Freckled boy’s off early
Heading northward, filling new faces with mirth
Back by the thaw with fresh zeal
Impressive, thought it doesn’t interest me
I enjoyed the first three lines and they make sense. I think since you are using some punctuation full punctuation might help, you might consider:
Did you hear? Freckled boy’s off early,
heading northward, filling new faces with mirth
and back by the thaw with fresh zeal.
There's a little tense ambiguity, if he's just heading out how do you know he'll return with fresh zeal, maybe he'll be drained and disillusioned.
I don't understand why his leaving is impressive.


Smoke-braided girl grew! Inky cotton swirling skyward
Seasonal tempest, ebbing closer, farther, closer,
farther still, towards the celestial throne room
But hey, I could have beaten her there
I haven't gotten any where with smoke-braided, I'd love to, it sounds interesting but I can't picture it. I did get it must be a child because she grew, or she is a pregnant woman, will I find out? Nope. Love the second half of the line. I can't get the point of "ebbing" and all the farther closer, what seasonal tempest? Moving toward the celestial throne sounds like death to me or ecstasy, must mean something but I've got no hints. Could you have beaten her there, are you just showing off? Heelllpp

Surely, mouse boy remembers our scavenging days
Dumpster side rendezvous were my favorite! Though
not Redwall troupe’s taste, neither his
That’s fine, I didn’t need him anyway
Nice first two lines, ooh, a story, then how should I know about Redwall's taste and why does it matter. Is the "neither his" pertaining to mouse boy and the he you don't need mouse boy? I think Redwall has confused me, but I like the sense of bravado in the last line after the intimacy of the first two.

Who didn’t give the lazing lioness berth?
Bounding through caramel savannas, roaring at whim
She might relish in her pride
But I never feared her
Now you have switched to capitalizing each line, it seems like the start of a different poem, but it makes sense. Lazing lioness and caramel savannas are lovely even though I don't know how I got here from the place with the thaw.

I still envision the black ice man
One night, losing everything, frozen in childhood
Gliding from skyscrapers, guarding peace. I’m sure
I could remake his glossy-page dynasty
Black ice man confused me, black skinned ice deliver? black ice, man as exclamation? Superhero Black Ice Man? I chose door number two.  Now I'm both skidding on black ice and diving off the building, double dead but guarding peace. Ok, I'll stop now.

You could too, right? The invincible cheetah
who cheated death and outpaced it still
Neither churning waters stained red
nor splintered bone could slow your stride

Astonishing, breath-taking, but I have you beat:
You could never run from your problems half as fast as me

I hope this helps.   I don't think you should at all be discouraged, if you know what your point is just try to get it across. I think the end is clearer, I'm happy not to line by line it and find out otherwise.  

I don't know whether or not you've edited before, but it's one of my favorite pastimes, hope you enjoy it too.