09-18-2015, 01:12 AM
Hello,
Thanks for sharing.
The first line reads very awkwardly, though I felt as though the rhythm and meter became more comfortable to read over the course of the poem. I think if you replaced it with a new line altogether, or played around to add in some additional descriptors, you could make it work.
Actually, the first stanza as a whole is a bit odd. It's important to set up the imagery properly, but the meter needs a lot of work.
Once I'm clear of the first stanza, I actually enjoy the poem. Some small adjustments to meter here and there would be good, but I see what you are going for here and I like the idea overall.
Thanks for sharing.
The first line reads very awkwardly, though I felt as though the rhythm and meter became more comfortable to read over the course of the poem. I think if you replaced it with a new line altogether, or played around to add in some additional descriptors, you could make it work.
Actually, the first stanza as a whole is a bit odd. It's important to set up the imagery properly, but the meter needs a lot of work.
Once I'm clear of the first stanza, I actually enjoy the poem. Some small adjustments to meter here and there would be good, but I see what you are going for here and I like the idea overall.