The Traveler

[Weeded]

Revised:

A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas
blows fore and back from wave to shore
and finds her way to lick his nose
with whiff of sanctuaries far
I like this line because it redirects the readers thoughts to what's the sailors fate.

A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chest
its embers stoked with every breath
His belly aches with fire alight
This is the only line with 9 syllables. Any reason why?
while siren songs foretell his death
You do a good job at keeping the sailors fate at bay- maybe "foretell" is a little too strong, too soon?

Reflected light forms beacon bright
a ghostly guide through ocean haze
The weary drifter soldiers on
He paddles long but only stays

With splintered oar and torpid row
through murky blend of day and eve
For the "blend.." you have a lot of consonance going on here. Maybe add some more alliteration for extra effect?
the traveler consents to fate
and musters up a final heave






Original:

A nimble breeze o’er rugged seas
Blows fore and back from wave to shore
And finds her way to lick his nose
With whiffs of purer lands afar



A tiny flame grows ‘neath his chest
Its embers stoked with every breath
His belly aches with fire alight
An ocean's whisper tells his death



With splintered oar and torpid row
Through murky blend of day and eve
The traveler consents to fate
And musters up a final heave

I like how this poem is straightforward in the character and setting, yet the actual plot is semi hidden. What I mean is this poem doesn't really scream out to the reader "death" until certain trigger words like fate, and final. The one time the word death is actually used can  also be miscontrued- maybe emphasize that idea so the reader doesn't actually know for sure death is certain outcome until the last stanza.